The Safest Major is Abstinence

By Molly Schoemann

humor

296

7

I have heard people grumbling about their Literature classes. Several have commented that the books they read in class are overly sexual in nature and full of innuendoes and undertones. I take offense at these allegations. I believe that most of the people making these complaints are going off half-cocked, unaware of the many fallacies in their limp accusations. All of the books that are examined in literature classes are subject to detailed textual analyses. It is impossible to thoroughly explore a novel, inside and out, without considering certain aspects of it, among which, some are bound to be sexual. Those members who cry out against the sexually charged nature of great literature are missing the point. It is my belief that after some long, hard, deep thinking, they will change their positions.

“I think you’re being too hard on them,” ejaculated a friend of mine. He may be right. It’s true there are teachers who are a little too enthusiastic about penetrating an overtly sexual text. Many aren’t satisfied until they’ve forced their students to pull out every last sexual allusion. However, I do not think that these teachers should be made to represent their department as a whole.

I wish we could end this friction. If I could sit down one day and speak with some of these dissenters face to face, I know I’d end up on top, and leave them groping for words. I wouldn’t beat around the bush, and I’m sure it would still be a pleasant intercourse with an exciting climax. Yes, that would be the fairest way to handle the situation—both sides should definitely get to have their say. But what ever ends up happening, I know I’ll stand erect, proud to be a lit major.